Yesterday I was getting some stuff together to go on the Girl Scout camping trip that I organized, and I couldn't find the mess kits. That one little thing, and ... I was suddenly gasping for air, but air wouldn't come. I went into a panic, trying to breathe, and I called Dan, who was supposed to be on his way home, to tell him to hurry. I got his voice mail, and ... I don't remember a whole lot.
I do remember that by the time I was talking to him on the phone, my arms were all tight to my body, my hands clenched, and my mouth caught in a kind of lockjaw. I couldn't close my mouth--so more panic. Fear that I was going to choke on my tongue. And I kept going into these horrible shaking episodes, and I didn't know if they were seizures or what.
I couldn't feel my mouth or nose, or my hands. I couldn't think. I couldn't talk. I couldn't do anything but cry and and panic.
Dan got home at some point. A lot of it is blurry now, but we ended up canceling the trip that the girls were so looking forward to. So on top of feeling like crap, I now have all kinds of guilt for disappointing everyone.
We didn't go to the ER because I have no insurance. Last week I learned that I'd been misled about the insurance I was buying, and I was so angry that I canceled. We have a phone meeting with another insurance company, but for the last few days, I've had no insurance at all. Considering my medical bills currently are well into the thousands (which is a significant part of my stress), I really didn't want to go to the ER. Dan was able to get some food and water into me, and I started getting better after that, so we stayed home.
Thinking back on the things that have caused stress over the past year, and in the past weeks:
- Medical bills
- Chronic severe pain in my hip
- Inability to exercise
- Feeling overwhelmed at work
- Dealing with personalities at work
- Dealing with personalities in my former Girl Scout troop
- Learning that the person who sold me my insurance had not been up front with me
- Having to cancel my insurance
- Having my house be a wreck because I never have time to clean it
- Being out of town for the past five consecutive weeks
- Dan being out of town or at meetings more often than not
- Never having time to myself--no quiet time, no writing, no piano, no reading, etc.
There's more, I'm sure. For now, I'm going to try and avoid all stress this weekend. I need to get better. Something needs to change.