Dark Times, and a Waltz

So, this morning was the second morning in a row when, upon waking, my first thought was that I wanted to put a gun to my head.

It was just a fleeting thought, but I know from experience that such thoughts can turn into not-so-fleeting thoughts of a similar nature. I have felt for a long time that I'm on the brink of some kind of a breakdown, and I think I may be there. I've started the cycle of constant crying and such extreme fatigue that I have to lie down and sleep. It's not good.

I have so much anger inside me. I want more than anything to just have a few days, or even a few hours, of alone time so I can write, think, practice my music ... but no. I don't get it. Instead I'm constantly trying to catch up at work, to keep all of the plates spinning there, while keeping even more plates spinning at home. And money ... I keep getting these huge bills, mostly dental bills, but other things too. I owe $800 to a doctor in North Carolina, and several thousand on my credit card that started with a huge car-repair bill from eight months ago.

I feel like I'll never catch up. How could I possibly? I don't even have time to take a shower.

This morning I was up at a ridiculous hour, so I found time to do the one thing I still manage to do each morning: Play a few minutes of guitar. I'm working on second position, where your fingers don't use the first fret but instead start at the second one. It's helping make sense of the frustration I get with the guitar's having a half-dozen different middle-C's. In second position, you don't play the open G string but instead put your pinky on the fifth fret of the D string. You make other adjustments as well--instead of the open B, you play the fourth fret of the G, for instance. It's challenging at first, but it's helping me wrap my brain around the mystery that is the guitar.

So, the good news: My brain is still working. I'm still doing a decent job at work, and I can still find joy in the challenge of learning new music. I've gotten to where my brain quit working in the past, and that is truly terrifying. I must admit, I love being intelligent, and I love challenging my mind to be smarter, more knowledgeable, more creative. I don't want to lose that ability.

Here is a piece I played this morning. It's one I've had for a long time, but I set it aside for a while and just picked it up again. This is "Waltz" by Bartolome Calatayud, straight out of the Suzuki Book 2. It's not perfect, but I'm playing it a lot better than I did before. Enjoy.

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