My pregnancy calendar for today says “You might start wearing some maternity clothes now.”
Well, not quite yet. Maybe in another week or two. Right now I’m at this awkward in-between stage, where my jeans are profoundly uncomfortable, but my belly isn’t nearly big enough to fit into maternity clothes. So I just feel fat.
I don’t think it’s pregnancy making me gain weight. I think it’s all the extra calories. My weight gain has been in my butt and thighs, which is where fat just seems to like to settle on me. Even when I was at my biggest, I always had a small waist and stomach.
So that’s where I am now. The hips, butt, and thighs are a little bigger, but my stomach hasn’t changed all that much. So no maternity clothes for me. Not yet. For now, I’m just wearing loose dresses and skirts that I’ve had in my closet for years, but have rarely worn.
A few other things: The morning sickness has become less frequent, but I have it again today. Hopefully it will go away altogether in another couple of weeks.
The fatigue hasn’t been so bad following nights when I actually sleep. Last night wasn’t such a night. I was up probably 14 times to pee (seriously), plus my mind was racing. I am feeling terrified, depressed, angry, bitter, and frustrated.
Yes, “happy” isn’t the word to describe me these days. It’s not all about the pregnancy. Well, the “terrified” part is. The “depressed” part is probably due to the lack of Prozac in my system, but it also feels like it has something to do with the fact that I feel like I’ve wasted my life. The “angry, bitter, and frustrated” parts are related to a lot of things—depression, frustration at work, the fact that our house looks like a tornado hit it and I don’t know when I’m going to have a chance to clean it. I desperately need a “free day” to do all this stuff (and play piano, and write, and exercise, and do a million other things I’m too exhausted to do after a full day of work), but whenever I get free days, I end up pissing them away on nothing because I’m too tired and depressed to feel motivated.
I know this is a really depressing blog, but I tend to be a depressing person when I don’t have my drugs and I can’t sleep, exercise, write, or play piano.
I’m not happy that Sheltowee will be leaving for camp soon, because that means I’ll be home by myself for the next 10 weeks.
I really hope the second trimester is better. I’m worried that this depression isn’t so much a first-trimester thing, but is instead an off-the-Prozac thing.
Right now I feel like the biggest relief would be to run head-first, full-speed ahead, into a brick wall.
When I say I hope Scout has Sheltowee’s even-temperedness, this is what I mean. I do not want a kid who has to deal with depression the way I have.