Tomorrow will be a trying day.
My ultrasound appointment is at 10:30. Then I have an appointment with the midwife afterward. Sheltowee, Li’l Mu, Li’l Stu, and Scout’s Cousin Ella will be meeting me there, to either share the joy of seeing the heartbeat, or share the sorrow of seeing nothing.
Then we’ll go to lunch. I want fish.
Then, back to work. Mu, Stu, and Ella will come to Franklin (hopefully), and I’ll get to show Miss Ella off to my co-workers. That will be fun.
But then … Mary’s parents are coming tomorrow afternoon to clean out Mary’s desk.
So, if I’m all happy and feeling excited after seeing the heartbeat, I’ll go from one end of the spectrum to the other, and probably cry all afternoon, since I still can’t think about Mary without crying, and since seeing her parents will be really difficult. The only other time I've seen them was when I met them, and that was at Mary's memorial service last month.
What happens if there isn’t a heartbeat and I’m miscarrying? I’ll be crying already. I don’t think I’ll even want to go back to work if that happens.
Do I tell people about Scout tomorrow afternoon, or wait until Thursday? Do I tell people at all? Part of me still doesn’t want to tell people. Part of me still isn’t ready to be socially pregnant.
Though it will be a relief for people to understand why I’m so sluggish, and why I’m resting my head on my desk when they walk by.
Either way, I’m looking forward to tomorrow, and I’m dreading it. I cannot believe all the mixed emotions coursing through me right now. It’s causing stress, and stress isn’t good for Scout.
I need to order some prenatal yoga and exercise tapes.
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