Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I posted to this blog this morning, but it was so negative that I had to take it down.

Either I'm experiencing the mood swings of pregnancy, or my body is starting to behave the way it always does when I have no Prozac in my system.

I cried on and off all day. I spent more time in the bathroom than at my desk. I didn't talk to anyone all day because I was such a supersensitive mess. I just kept thinking about how I don't want Scout to have my screwy mental instability. If he or she does, then it doesn't matter how good of a mom I am.

And speaking of good mom ... as long as I'm happy and healthy, I think I'll do fine. But I worry about going crazy again. I don't want Scout to see me in my crazy moments. As long as I run and eat right and take my Prozac, I'm okay. But what if I get an injury and can't exercise? What if the hormone changes from pregnancy cause the Prozac not to be so effective anymore? The thought of visiting the anti-depressant buffet again just makes me sick. I have been there too many times.

I hate even writing about this because it gives the impression that I'm an emotionally unstable little weakling that needs to be taken care of. People tend to think that about people who have severe depression. Anyone else is just "sick." People with depression are weak and dependent and just need to learn to deal with things, just like everyone else does.

Both of my doctors have said that I have a very high chance of getting postpartum depression. I am scared I'll want to kill myself, either before or after Scout is born. I don't feel that way right now, but I can definitely feel the heaviness of depression descending on me. I don't want Scout to have to deal with a crazy, suicidal mom.

I have always thought it better that I never brought an innocent child into the world. All I would do is mess it up.

I really hope this is a passing thing, an example of a pregnancy-symptom mood swing. Because I do not want to be depressed again. I don't know if I will survive it.

I need some sleep. I'm hoping I'll sleep tonight. I haven't slept very well in over a week now.

1 comment:

Megan Monk said...

We all feel inadequate at times..sometimes several times a day. You are going to be and are already an excellent mom. No one is perfect and we will all pass on that God knew what he was doing when this little child was created! Continue to listen to your body and your instincts about what you need to do for yourself to stay healthy. Ella and I love you and Scout.

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