Friday, February 13, 2009

Thinking

I sat down to write this morning, and the more I wrote, the sadder I got.

Maybe all these work hours are taking their toll. Maybe my magical-happy-pill dosage is too low. Maybe, maybe, maybe ...

It's been hard to think lately. I feel very ... scattered. I don't like feeling scattered. I'm a person who likes to focus 100% on one thing. I prefer depth to breadth, even if it means missing out on things. I joke that I'm "DDA" (the opposite of "ADD"). I don't like multi-tasking, but it's my nature to take on 101 responsibilities. Why? Because I'm a nice person. Because I like to help.

But when I'm scurrying from one focus to another, I lose certain important parts of myself. Part of me is angry at myself for letting myself fall into that; part of me is angry at the world for being so ADD-friendly.

Yeah, Waterfall. Get mad at the world. That always helps.

Typical day for me:

I wake up early to read, write, and think. I read some poetry and the Bible. I'm working through the Bible-in-a-year again this year, using the Literary Study Bible (ESV).

I pretty much start working when I get to work. Things have been slow at work because it's support season--the product we work so hard on in late summer and fall is now out in the field. Our programmers are fixing things for patches, our SMEs are serving in consultant roles for the customer service reps, the QA testers are testing program updates, and the technical writers are working on supplements to the manual and writing Knowledge Base articles and ... hanging out. Everyone is hanging out. It's a slow time at work.

I'm not answering phones this year because my deafness is such a liability. But because I have a work ethic that won't quit, I figure out things to do. The things I'm working on don't require 100% of my attention, so I'm listening to music while I work. And taking a free course on the Old Testament from the Reformed Theological Seminary. And reading the required readings from books like An Introduction to the Old Testament and He Gave Us Stories. It's fascinating stuff. Time flies when I'm listening to these lectures.

At lunch, I normally play piano, but I've had a pinky injury for several weeks, so instead I go to the local coffee shop and read and write. I can't read without writing, so you can usually find me with my nose in a book and a pen in my hand, scribbling absently in a notebook. Oh, and I'm the marketing chair for our county's Relay For Life effort this year. So I take care of that stuff at lunch, too.

Between tasks at work, I go to Bloglines and catch up on the latest on the news and read the lefty and righty blogs. For some reason, I feel compelled to read both sides of the ugliness.

It's always dark when I leave work. On the nights that I run, I go home and change, then head to the gym and run. I listen to my iPod when I run. Usually I listen to podcasts--Phedippidations, Stand to Reason, Grammar Girl (why didn't I get that job?), The Word Nerds, This American Life, or preacher podcasts like Mark Driscoll and John Piper and Ravi Zacharias.

When I finally get home, I wash a load of clothes or do the dishes or straighten up around the house while checking Facebook. Hubster has been overworked, very overworked, these days, so he usually doesn't get home until late. I'll read a bit before I go to bed--usually fiction or poetry. I'm looking for another big book to dive into, so I think I'll start The Fountainhead next, or else re-read either The Brothers Karamazov or War and Peace.

Of course, on Monday nights, we stay up and watch House and 24. Our two shows.

When do I eat? I don't. I usually forget to eat. I nibble on fruits and vegetables at work, and cereal at home.

So, I have a pretty easy life, as you can see. In one sense, I love it. In another sense, I keep getting sad. I don't know if it's my bio-chemical tendency to depression, or if it's something else. Maybe it's lack of variety in my diet. Maybe I miss the Hubster. We make time for each other, but it is a challenge, considering both our schedules.

I've wanted to write so much lately. I've been reading a lot, thinking a lot, and learning a lot. I want to write, but I keep getting distracted--by laundry that needs folding, by errands that need running, by Facebook, by the cell phone's endless ringing.

I think I need to go hiking. Leave the computer behind, leave the books behind, leave even the music behind, and go into the woods with nothing but the basics and a notebook and a bunch of pens.

Maybe my pinky needs to heal so I can play piano again.

Maybe I just need to go to 80's night somewhere (do they still have those?) and dance the night away. Dancing to Adam Ant's "Goody Two Shoes" might be even more fun than running to it.

They're cutting back our work hours starting next week. No more 56-hour weeks. Let's see if that helps.

6 comments:

  1. It is good you are self aware. Being scattered and not able to focus could be a sign meds need to be changed.
    I think I've shared I'm almost completely deaf in one ear. Due to the severity of the hearing loss and the way surgeries have left the opening to my ear, my expensive hearing aid is about useless. Unfortunately the audiologist doesn't see that way & I didn't draw that conclusion until way after my window to return it was up. I tried volunteering at the concession stand at the high school and I was useless. This season they wanted me to help during my son's swim meets. Doing timing & other official stuff scared the heck of me. Indoor pool acoustics are awful for me. I feel as I am looked upon as making excuses b/c one on one in a quieter setting I'm fine. Frustrating.
    Off on a tangent. I hope next week is better for you.

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  2. Joan, I actually feel really guilty that I'm not answering phones. I started out answering, but with the background noise and not being able to see the caller talking, it was more trouble than it was worth.

    Maybe you could volunteer to do a newsletter or take tickets, or something that doesn't require you to have to hear people.

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  3. Ella loves her Aunt! Just remember that and you won't be sad! :)

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  4. I love Ella, too--more than anything or anyone else I've ever loved!

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  5. Hope you don't mind me stopping by from blogasheville - I'm sorry you feel scattered; I hate that feeling! I hate answering phones, by the way -but I have no reason other than I don't like talking on them! It's hard to concentrate on what the person is saying without seeing them...I have to really concentrate.

    well, anyway -just strolling around blogs...hope you don't mind I stopped a moment to comment.

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