Music theory was frustrating. The lesson wasn't frustrating, but the theory itself was frustrating. I seem to have hit a wall. I hate that I've hit a wall so early in this process. I know that when I say, "I want to be a composer," it's kind of like saying, "I want to be a brain surgeon," or "I want to be a rocket scientist." It's just not something you can take a few classes on and be able to do. It's not something that just anyone can do, even after a lifetime of trying. And I want to be one of those people who can compose.
I've written a few pretty songs, but they're all pop-sounding songs, and I want to write something more demanding than that. I want to explore things in the great universe of music. But write now I feel like my explorer ship is faulty and needs work, or maybe it's not a good enough explorer ship for the adventure, no matter how much repair it's had. Maybe it wouldn't have been good enough brand new. Maybe there's a talent-determined glass ceiling over my head and I'm too stupid or too optimistic or too blissfully ignorant to realize it's there, keeping me from what I imagine I want to achieve.
I'm such a dork. I don't even know what I want to achieve. All I know is that music thrills me to my bones, and that something in me longs to compose it myself. I really don't have a goal in mind other than the thrill of the creative process. And the thrill of knowing I've created something beautiful.
Wow, I used the word "thrill" three times in a paragraph about how much I love music and want to write it.
I do know that I am going to have to work a LOT harder on this stuff if I'm going to get anywhere. I've been working hard on it, but I could definitely work harder.
On the good news front, Vance (my wonderful theory teacher) gave me free symphony tickets!!! I hope Hubbie wants to go to the symphony! If not, then I hope the symphony hall allows feline patrons, 'cause I know Beau Kitty would love to go.