I Don't Wanna Crash

Music theory was frustrating. The lesson wasn't frustrating, but the theory itself was frustrating. I seem to have hit a wall. I hate that I've hit a wall so early in this process. I know that when I say, "I want to be a composer," it's kind of like saying, "I want to be a brain surgeon," or "I want to be a rocket scientist." It's just not something you can take a few classes on and be able to do. It's not something that just anyone can do, even after a lifetime of trying. And I want to be one of those people who can compose.

I've written a few pretty songs, but they're all pop-sounding songs, and I want to write something more demanding than that. I want to explore things in the great universe of music. But write now I feel like my explorer ship is faulty and needs work, or maybe it's not a good enough explorer ship for the adventure, no matter how much repair it's had. Maybe it wouldn't have been good enough brand new. Maybe there's a talent-determined glass ceiling over my head and I'm too stupid or too optimistic or too blissfully ignorant to realize it's there, keeping me from what I imagine I want to achieve.

I'm such a dork. I don't even know what I want to achieve. All I know is that music thrills me to my bones, and that something in me longs to compose it myself. I really don't have a goal in mind other than the thrill of the creative process. And the thrill of knowing I've created something beautiful.

Wow, I used the word "thrill" three times in a paragraph about how much I love music and want to write it.

Makes sense.

I do know that I am going to have to work a LOT harder on this stuff if I'm going to get anywhere. I've been working hard on it, but I could definitely work harder.

On the good news front, Vance (my wonderful theory teacher) gave me free symphony tickets!!! I hope Hubbie wants to go to the symphony! If not, then I hope the symphony hall allows feline patrons, 'cause I know Beau Kitty would love to go.


oceanskies79 said…
Certainly I would agree that music theory isn't as interesting. I tried to read and study ABRSM Grade 5 theory on my own. While I have passed, I haven't been clear on topics like harmonies, cadences etc. So now, I am hoping to get myself an aural cum theory teacher. I think this will help me in my playing ultimately.

I suppose it would have been more challenging to study music theory for the purpose of composing. Then again, I hear that it is your dream to compose. My hunch tells me that you will get there, slowly but surely. Way to go!

It is a challenge, and requires effort. I find it easier to understand theory when I think about how it could be put into practice (e.g. I would relate the theory to a passage from a piece of music that I am familiar with). This helps a bit.

Maybe, for all you know, your theory teacher could be giving you tickets to the concert to get some new musical inspirations.

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